relationships
This section aims to give you some ideas about how to improve your interactions with other people, including your partner, school mates, friends and family members.
This section includes the basics on what comprises a sound relationship, and what can cause it to go wrong.
This will include practical ways to overcome some of these problems, without parties in the relationship hurting
It takes time and effort to work out problems with relationships, but it is almost always worthwhile.
COMMUNICATION
Some people are better communicators than others.
This does not mean that people who find communication difficult can manage without it.
Mork and Mindy were both 19 year old university students.
They were typical of a couple who found communication difficult.
Mork was a quiet guy, who found it difficult to express his thoughts and feelings.
Because of this, he would be in turmoil for days after an argument with Mindy.
Mindy was more open and direct, and let Mork know exactly what was wrong when she was upset.
Within a few hours she would have forgotten about her anger.
They learnt to get along together but Mork often felt lonely.
Mindy felt frustrated that she could never sort out anything with Mork.
Then a major crisis struck: Mindy ended up in hospital after a severe accident at work.
Mork didn't cry, or didn't let anyone (including Mindy) know how upset and worried he was feeling.
His sadness came out as anger - with the hospital, Mindy and anyone else who got in his way.
Mindy couldn't understand Mork's anger, and felt bitter that Mork did not seem to care about her feelings.
After a few months, the arguments and the bitterness got to a level where neither of the them could handle it anymore, and they split up.
Throughout this story, Mork and Mindy probably thought they weren't communicating, but in fact they were.
Not talking does not mean you are not communicating.
Silence can be interpreted as anger, or sulking, or perhaps even disinterest.
Mork and Mindy would have been much happier, and would have had a better chance at a relationship if they had been able to communicate more clearly.
When the crisis came, (as they do), they would have been able to support each other with their feelings, and pull through it together.
WHAT IS COMMUNICATION?
Communication involves the sharing of information between people.
This can be done either verbally or non-verbally, individually (ie on a one-to-one basis) or in a group situation.
The communication may contain -
Facts - I got a pay rise today
Opinions - I believe I deserve a pay rise
Feelings - I love my boss for giving me a pay rise
You are so used to communicating with others that you forget how complicated it can be.
To communicate effectively you need to be clear about what you want to communicate, and convey your message so that it can be understood.
The other person must hear the message accurately and understand what you mean.
With ineffective communication, misunderstandings can occur that can easily lead to hurt, anger or confusion.
When you communicate you also give a great deal of information without using words, (ie by your body posture, your tone of voice, and the expression on your face - non-verbal communications.
These features often give more information than verbal communication.
HARD WORDS!
Sometimes you find certain things difficult to talk about.
In some cases it is because the topic makes you feel uncomfortable.
While in others it may remind us of a painful or disturbing memory (eg you may tend to avoid raising topics that your think will lead to arguments with your partner, because your parents used to fight when you were growing up.
The topic of sex may be difficult to talk about at the start of a relationship.
Guys in particular may feel that showing vulnerability or weakness makes them "less of a man".
These thinks that are hard to talk about are often very important, both to the individual and in the context of the relationship.
IMPROVING COMMUNICATION
Don't despair - communication can be improved!
Start by asking yourself these questions:
What things cause arguments between you and other people?
Are they due to problems with communication, and if so, is the problem with conveying information or receiving and understanding?
What things cause you pain and grief?
What issues do you avoid talking about, and why is this?
Does this avoidance lead to pain and misunderstanding?
How could you improve your communication with other people?
If possible, ask others such as boyfriends, girlfriends, or family members to think about these same questions.
Most importantly, try to talk through what you discover.
Try improving the way you communicate, and see what effect this has on the people you contact.
If you or other people actually notice an improvement, take the time to explain what you have learnt.
Remember - it takes more than one person to communicate effectively.
As you become more aware of how you communicate, you should be able to take more control over what happens between you.
Revealing more of your feelings, and talking about difficult issues may not be easy at first, but as time passes it will lead to more fulfilling relationships with other people!
ANGER
Anger is an emotional response that seeks to give expression to our feelings.
For many it is seen as an undesirable feeling because of its intensity and possible consequences but you should be able to control your anger.
How you do that will determine the outcome.
Acknowledging anger
This is the least destructive way of handling anger.
First you need to determine the reason for your anger and then how to respond. Aim to resolve the issues quickly and constructively.
Denying anger
Bottling up anger and refusing to deal with it is destructive.
Ignoring anger really means that you are ignoring the warning signals that something is wrong.
If other people are involved this can leave them confused and frustrated, because they "sense" that something is wrong.
In extreme cases, denying anger can gradually destroy a relationship.
Expressing anger
You might wish to express your anger by either physically attacking the object or person of your aggression, or perhaps doing a lot of shouting and screaming - but expressing anger in this way will often wound your relationship (which is harder to heal than the original cause of the anger).
CONFLICT
CONFLICT WITH YOUR PARTNER
When conflict arises and you feel angry with your partner, follow these steps:
- Recognise your anger and admit your feeling
- Admitting your anger lets your partner know howyou are feeling and helps to get problems into the open.
- Shouting and swearing, or physical violence is the expression of a person's refusal or failure to recognise and admit to themselves and others that they are angry.
- Ask for "time out"
- This is essential if either partner feels too angry to do anything about the problem. Ask for "time out" if you need it, but don't use it just to avoid issues. It is important to return to the problem at a later time to sort it out properly.
- Explore your feelings
- There is nearly always another feeling underlying anger - like sadness, hurt, disappointment, or a sense of being let down or taken for granted. Let your partner know how you feel. The underlying feeling will usually be a clue to the real issue that you and your partner need to face up to and talk about.
- Listen to your partner's point of view
- This may highlight issues you haven't considered.
- Be prepared to acknowledge your part in the problem
- It is important to realise that saying sorry does not mean that you are accepting all the responsibility.
- Ask what lessons can be learnt from the conflict
- This may help you and your partner to avoid similar situations in the future, and may also help you to further understand each other's feelings.
- Be prepared to forgive and make up
- Take this step when you are ready. Remember that making up after an argument can often lead to a strengthening of the relationship.
CONFLICT WITH YOUR PARENTS
Parents find teenage children difficult because their views often conflict with family objectives (as determined by parents).
You will seek to establish your own sexuality, social status, gender role identification, personal value judgements and challenge the parental views on each of these - this will bring conflict.
How to deal with the conflict constructively:-
recognise that your parents believe that they are always acting in your best interest
recognise that the puberty changes can make you irrational (hormonal changes affect you emotionally)
discuss the issues and prepare to compromise
recognise that your parents have experienced, the changes and challenges confronting you - it may be a brave new world but some things never change
challenge your parents to trust you with new responsibilities
avoid open warfare - calm and rational response will allow resolution of disputes
Conflict Between Parents
Parents often argue about household matters (sometimes you) and this conflict is extremely emotional for all concerned.
Where the conflict results in divorce or separation it will have impact upon you and your doctor may be able to help you resolve any issues.
BREAKING UP
Most people in entering into a relationship expect it to last forever.
The reason many relationships don't last is that good relationships don't just happen by themselves.
They require ongoing effort. This topic deals with how to cope when the relationship falters.
Understanding and accepting the fact that relationships sometimes don't work can be challenging for everyone.
When young people are gaining their first experiences with romantic love, failures and rejections can be especially painful.
As with any loss, a sequence of emotional changes usually takes place -
denial and bargaining,
sorrow and grieving,
pain and fear,
anger and resentment,
depression and futility,
acceptance and rebuilding.
Depending on what type of person you are, these different stages may occur at different times after a break up, and to different extents.
By understanding the range of emotions, you will be better equipped to sort through the break up and the hardships you might face.
Tips for coping
Once you've decided to split up, stay away from each other. You're only prolonging the agony.
Find something or someone to occupy yourself. Sitting around with too much time to think can be torture. Doing something physical - biking, walking, roller-blading, swimming, or whatever - is a good stress reliever.
Try writing down your thoughts. Get a special book or make a special computer folder that only you or who you choose can look at. You can pour your heart out and not worry about feeling embarrassed. People who try it say it's totally liberating and one of the best ways to make sense of the tangled strings in your head.
Pamper yourself. Do things just for you that make you feel special and important.
Avoid turning to substances like pot, alcohol and other drugs to cope they only make it worse when you come down again (the next day for example) and you can end up adding to your problems, not solving them..
At some point, you may wish to confide in a friend, family member or an adult you respect.
Don't try to deal with a breakup alone.
If you feel stressed you can always talk to your doctor about these issues.
When you start seeing other people again, try not to give up everything else just to spend time with your new partner.
Should things turn sour, it's great to have something to fall back on.
Maintain your network of friends and the interests and activities that define who you are.
Most of all - don't forget to love and respect yourself as well.
COMPONENTS AND TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
A good relationship is something that can have many positive effects on your life.
People in supportive, loving relationships are more likely to feel happy and satisfied with their lives, and draw off each other's strengths for physical and emotional support.
When you get the hang of it, working at a relationship can be very satisfying.
But, just like most other kinds of work, it helps if you know what is involved.
People who have good relationships know what to expect (and what not to expect) from a relationship, and how to deal with issues that may arise at work, school, parties or at home.
Fortunately, good relationship skills can be learnt, and the more you practice, the more rewarding you should find your relationships.
Components of Relationships
Relationships have three important parts - commitment, intimacy and passion.
Commitment
Commitment is a conscious decision that a relationship is valuable and important, and that energy is worth spending to maintain it.
Commitment involves feelings of confidence about the relationship, and happiness in being known as a 'couple'.
It typically becomes more important as a relationship progresses, as agreements are reached and desires to remain together are discussed.
Intimacy
Intimacy is a willingness to share feelings and desires, and be completely open and honest.
It involves feelings of closeness and of being connected to the person with whom you are intimate.
Intimacy typically grows rapidly at the start of relationships, then continues to increase as people learn to trust and respect each other.
Passion
Passion is the romantic excitement between people when they are attracted to each other.
It is based on the need for being chosen as special and the emotion is passion that leads to romance and sexual interaction.
Passion typically grows when first getting to know someone but often levels off.
An understanding of these three components can help you identify areas of strength and weakness in your relationships with your partner, friends or family.
It takes courage to admit having problems and seeking help.
| TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS |
COMPONENTS OF RELATIONSHIPS |
| COMMITMENT |
INTIMACY |
PASSION |
Acquaintances
These people include neighbours, store attendants, bus drivers etc. |
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Well Known Peers
This is the type of relationship with people we know because of membership in social groups, like a club, team, class etc.
We might not choose these people as close friends, but get to know them well for other reasons. |
|
X |
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Close Friends
This type of relationship includes strong friendships and lasting supportive relationships with former boy/girlfriends |
X |
X |
|
Infatuation
This is the classic "love at first sight" relationship, where there is a very strong desire to be with the person...all the time! |
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X |
Fantasy Love
This type of relationship is based on unrealistic expectations of perfection and an absence of conflict, which just doesn't happen in real life!
It is normally experienced as a "crush" on a movie star or teacher, and may become a problem if it begins to interfere with other relationships or aspects of the person's life. |
X |
|
X |
Romantic Love
This "Romeo & Juliet" type of relationship is first experienced during the teenage years, and involves closeness and sexual arousal but lacks deep commitment. |
|
X |
X |
Complete love
It is difficult and quite unusual to achieve this kind of relationship, especially before adulthood, but it is not unheard of! Once achieved, this special relationship requires constant effort to maintain and sustain, but it is worth it! |
X |
X |
X |
 |
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